Yesterday, I had to lay my Service Dog and best friend of ten years to rest. Her name was Ruth and she was as much a part of me as my skin. She had been the most consistent and loyal thing I had ever known and I rewarded her for it. Now I am not sure how to go on without that consistency and presence that I can have 100% trust in. It has caused a grief that I did not know I had the ability to feel. I literally have felt physical pain by not having her around. Unfortunately, it was time to let her go due to medical conditions. Laying her to rest was the last gift I could give to her, aside for some McDonalds before she left.
AN AMAZING PERFORMANCE
I got Ruth originally to help me walk over having a lonely cane. She was also supposed to sympathetically help me stay occupied and give me a sense of responsibility and drive to steer me away from giving up. She absolutely did that, and stole my bed spot often when relieved of duty. She was a Rockstar in public all the time, and had exemplary and unreal discipline. I never knew a dog could be so disciplined and listen the first time and ignore temptation solely for my benefit. She served me well by not engaging when assholes tried to engage with her, which you should not do. I hated the attention I got, but damn she made a great impression on people in terms of how a service dog should behave. People saw her being a REAL service dog. The road of getting used to relying on her was rocky as I didn't trust anything. But with time, I learned to trust her and I became dependent on her due to my ability to control her and just see her in action being a working dog and a happy dopey dog. And she was mine for life.
After I started needing her less, due to me working harder to try and give her less burden, I decided that it was time to put her on the gradual path to retirement. She was so versatile, skilled and strong, which allowed me to relish in her ability to support my daily life through opening doors, drawers, do laundry, hold my weight, get things I pointed at with a laser, etc. This created an unspeakable bond that I couldn’t even trust my wife to fulfil. My ex was often scolding and really hated Ruth because I got happier with Ruth. It often resulted in outright neglect and verbal abuse. Despite all this, Ruth held her cool and was there for me and never gave up. But the hard verbal treatment did seem to take a toll on her a bit. As our marriage got worse, I started going more and more to Ruth that ever for emotional support and to protect her. She became my number one travel companion because of her perfect vehicle behavior and complete cooperation.
I could trust Ruth 100% because I trusted her cooperation and knew how to handle her. This was absolutely foreign to me because I didn't trust, and still don't, trust many things. But I learned how to handle her perfectly and knew what she was going to do just by learning her reactions. This is a lesson that I have used to interact with my other dogs and learn their behavior. Ruth was also a training example for the other dogs by means of demonstration of the task/reward principle. She was also kind to every animal and had nothing but kind and gentle curiosity for baby animals and children. That is rare to have all these qualities that never change as they age.
MERCY FOR THOSE YOU LOVE
I watched Ruth slowly lose the ability to be a rowdy dog happy to work or just be a dog. At the end, she had so little cartilage and connective tissue in her back legs that walking was not only painful but terribly limited. It tore me apart watching her get worse with nothing I could do to help. The question was how to know when is the right time to give them mercy and let them finally go, as is inevitable.
THEY KNOW SOMETHING IS GOING ON
Dogs typically are very in-tuned to your personality and emotions. It is how know when we are rewarding or punishing them. So, when we start crying or being very still and depressed, they understand there is hurt. Some dogs will be very attentive in these situations while others, like Ruth, were just there but didn’t always behave in a supportive manner. When I was truly depressed at times, she would offer herself as company, but not like some support animals. But yesterday, she knew something bad was coming. When the time comes that you can’t let them suffer, you may find them a bit confused and even scared. It was hard for me to not be scared myself about losing my best friend.
WATCHING HER GO
I watched and attended to my girl while she left. Before proceeding with the procedure, I took off her collar and relieved her of her duty to attend to me. I thanked her for her brave and tough personality, praised her for her talents and resilience. She was more interested in the treats I used to maintain her attention, but I feel like she heard me and said I was welcome. But I also somewhat sensed fear and apprehension at what was about to happen. But, there was obviously overriding trust that I was not leading her into danger. Amazing trust and constant discipline to listen, even in the end in the face of fear.
Ruth was very offended by the needle that delivered the sedative, which was hard to see since she never even reacted to needles in the past. As the sedative went through her heart and slowly put her to rest, I forced her to finally lay her head on my lap in a cuddling manner. She had never really been a cuddly dog, but I desperately needed her one last time. As her eyes glazed over and gradually closed, I signaled the doctor to finally put her to rest. Oh, it was scary and I internally pleaded with myself and any divine power to just give her a chance to stay and be a happy puppy again. It was a moment of panic since I knew what I was about to lose. The vet doctor tried a few times to get the vein with the final shot, but she was stubborn to the end and refused to give up a vein. That was hard to watch and was almost a sign for me to stop the procedure to have more time and really prepare to lose her.
Finally, when he found the vein and all the fluid found its way into her body, she slowly stopped breathing and the her heart slowly went to sleep. Then she was gone...SHE WAS JUST GONE!!! NO MORE RUTH!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY POOR GIRL??!!
I cannot describe the feeling I felt. Happiness that she was free of pain, fear of the future without her, and anger that I was dealt this shitty hand and that she had to go like this, all blended. I just didn't know what to feel first and was spinning out of control in my head. After the doctor left and I tried to leave, I suddenly felt this anger at the world, hugging her body and petting her face, cursing my situation and the pain she endured, begging her not to be gone. WAKE THE FUCK UP, DAVID! LET THIS BE SOME SICK NIGHTMARE! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! If this was real, then something had to have caused this pain to her that resulted in me relieving her of it. I wanted to find this entity and make it pay with a slow death that would avenge my girl, much like John Wick.
No vengeance can be done because this was a natural thing for a dog of her breed and size to basically fall apart at the seams, so to speak. I had a hard time leaving her lifeless body behind but I had to go, and there was nothing left for me to do. She was gone and it was time to face the world without her. I don't believe in taking ashes or dealing with a burial of a shell, so I let the vet center handle it for me.
AFTERSHOCK ARRIVES
After waking up early the next morning from an emotional buildup of my loss intruding on my dream, I tried to do my normal routine. I tried to stop feeling this depression and hollow feeling in my chest. I had no desire to do anything. I was paralyzed, so I figured I should look through old photos of my Ruth. I broke down and every conceivable pain overwhelmed me. Talk about wailing like a child that fell down hard. It hit me like an unstoppable force that I had lost her. She wasn’t just another dog, but rather a unique dog that had many talents and could damn near do anything and with a kind heart that you rarely see.
When you fold from emotion and start physically hurting from this lost of loyalty, love, and trust, it sends you weird places. I have been in panic and regret all day. I actually blamed myself for a little bit and said I should have given her more time to enjoy life, but then broke down from remembering her fail to stay standing while just peeing or walking up a couple of steps. I wailed at the fact that she degraded so bad that she would trip just lifting her back legs a couple inches off the ground. I regretted not spending more time getting her out and walking a bit with her to build her supportive muscles. But I had to remember that it would cause her to eventually fall and it was all about her after she got so bad. I let her do whatever she wanted.
There was even a point where I started blaming myself for ever punishing her or getting mad. I remembered getting mad at her just for falling. I figured she was just being too fast and being an idiot. Later I would apologize and feel instant regret for it, but it is something I developed after years of seeing her be too hard and fast at things to the point of carelessness. I promise to do better from now on with Q and Romulus. I pleaded with whatever divine presence that could hear me to bring her back, that I was sorry. I wailed to the sky for the return of my dog.
Through the pain I took my dogs out and went for my standard jog in -7 degree weather with nothing more than a sweater and sweats. I do this daily, but today was different, I was crying while the cold was freezing my tears to my face. I felt my hands freezing and my lungs burn. All this was so distant and barely felt in comparison to the physical pain I felt, desperately wanted Ruth back, but painfully accepting the reality of her never returning. This was a first for me because she was the best thing and most consistent thing I could trust in all my life. I never had this kind of trust, dedication, and love for anything before, and she was POOF, GONE.
MOVING ON
People who have experienced similar loss have informed me that this feeling of missing our dear pets will never leave. I am just afraid that I will forget what she taught me in terms of personality observation and to be kinder. I also don’t want to get to where I was so blind and hard on my other dogs just because I have some high expectation for them. This is the core of my regret and I never want to forget, but I want this pain to end. I know I will heal, but this dog going to heaven after ten years will leave one hell of a scar that will never be mended. I was gifted her and privileged to have the responsibility for her quality of life and well-being. Though I let my temper occasionally take over, I did my best to make amends. All I can do now is follow through and use the example of my perceived failures with this magnificent dog to be a better dog dad to those I have left. Learn your lessons and carry on, because dogs are a gift to us if we pay attention and extend a hand of love. I will miss Ruth dearly, but it is time to saddle up and carry on. May her amazing existence and time on this Earth never leave our memories and may her spirit, soul, or whatever life force be in a better place deserving of such an amazing creature. I release her from her duty to me and set her free. I just hope she checks in often and I see her again one day.
I am very thankful to my girlfriend for being such a great friend and mom to Ruth. Ruth loved her for sure and trusted her too. When I was too hard on Ruth, she was there to put me in my place, resulting in me seeing my fault. I am glad she got to experience a good family in the end that loves and cherishes her completely.
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